I was up ’till all hours last night fretting in general and thinking about how I might announce on f.acebook that our child had a) been born or b) died. What fun it was to lie awake trying to think of suitable status updates! Sometimes when thoughts like these get started it’s hard to get them back under control.
The angry/spiteful/feeling hard-done-by side of me feels that when people find out about the baby they’ll think to themselves “thank god that’s over, the Irishdad clan are normal again. We can forget about that other unmentionable thing that happened and contact them again.” Whereas, I feel like saying “well buddy, if you weren’t around for the sadness then you are cordially invited to keep your congratulations.”
I think Mr. Dostoyevsky put it well: “I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased*.”
I guess with Littlegirl’s anniversary coming up I’m just feeling like people will think that because a year will have elapsed then it’s really time to move on. And in many ways I look forward to looking forward. I hope that next year sees this family busy with a new baby and capable of making plans for the future. But, this doesn’t mean we’ll be turning our back on Littlegirl. Regardless of what happens in coming weeks, we’ll always have a second child and she’ll always be missing. And missed.
Fin de rant
* my liver is fine.