Posted by: irishdad | November 12, 2009

Notes from the underground

I was up ’till all hours last night fretting in general and thinking about how I might announce on f.acebook that our child had a) been born or b) died. What fun it was to lie awake trying to think of suitable status updates! Sometimes when thoughts like these get started it’s hard to get them back under control.

The angry/spiteful/feeling hard-done-by side of me feels that when people find out about the baby they’ll think to themselves “thank god that’s over, the Irishdad clan are normal again. We can forget about that other unmentionable thing that happened and contact them again.” Whereas, I feel like saying “well buddy, if you weren’t around for the sadness then you are cordially invited to keep your congratulations.”

I think Mr. Dostoyevsky put it well:  “I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased*.”

I guess with Littlegirl’s anniversary coming up I’m just feeling like people will think that because a year will have elapsed then it’s really time to move on. And in many ways I look forward to looking forward. I hope that next year sees this family busy with a new baby and capable of making plans for the future. But, this doesn’t mean we’ll be turning our back on Littlegirl. Regardless of what happens in coming weeks, we’ll always have a second child and she’ll always be missing. And missed.

Fin de rant

* my liver is fine.



  1. I have this fantasy of posting this cryptic FB status update:

    Angie had decided the day of reckoning is here. Let’s see who stands tomorrow, you heartless bastards.

    And just cut everyone who didn’t have the decency to acknowledge our loss.

    But I think that Dostoyevsky quote would make a perfect status update.

    I am also afraid of the same thing coming up on our first anniversary/birthday/death in December, and especially with a new one on the way. xo

  2. If one more person says to me “not long now!” or “you must be excited!” I might hit someone. I too feel like anyone who couldn’t be there through the shitstorm, can’t be here for the good times, which are supposedly right on our doorstep now (37 weeks, 2 days and counting).
    I got off Facebook post babyloss and I think it has truly been the best thing for me. It is so fake, shiny and plastic. I’m too dark too fit in there now. Stillbirth and Facebook don’t mix. At least that is what I found.
    Thinking of Littlegirl as you approach her birthday. With love.

  3. Irishdad, Angie and Sally

    I definately hope that you all get a beautiful healthy baby at the end of your pregnacies and that the next few weeks and months are gentle on you with little stress.

    I hope you don’t mind but this post sparked one of my own. I hope no offense is caused – certainly none is intended! I hope I have communicated clearly what I do and don’t mean!

    All the very best

  4. […] totally get Irishdad’s recent post and the comments made in response.  We get uptight about how we communicate in forums such as […]

  5. Isn’t that funny how people think that because you are having another child, it will replace the one who died? Like that makes it all better. I’ve had people say to me, “you’ll feel better once you get pregnant again and deliver a live baby…” Really? You think that will erase the pain of losing 2 little boys? Facebook drives me nuts too…I think if I actually said what I was feeling most days, I’d either a) be locked up in a looney bin by some well-meaning relative or b) no one would ever speak to me again…anywho, I’m thinking good thoughts for y’all and the family of 5 you will soon be….

    • Thanks M, thank you very much.

  6. In response to Living in the Rainbow, I get what you are saying. We are the changed ones in a world that isn’t changed. I read Irishdad’s blog because 1) he is a good writer and an excellent communicator and 2) his circumstances are very similar to mine. When I read people who do not have children living, or other children on the way, I definitely communicate in a different way, perhaps, a more sensitive way. My comments reflect my understanding of the writer’s circumstances as well as my own. On my blog, I feel it is each person’s choice to read me knowing who I am and why I am writing. I write, primarily, about parenting while grieving, but mostly grieving in this unchanged world. One thing is that I recognize, which others without loss might not, is just how fortunate I am. I do not take my circumstances for granted. I do not take these children or this pregnancy for granted. I appreciate that this is not the case with many of the amazing families I have come to love, even as it comes with a different set of challenges and a new level of grief comes with pregnancy. It is freeing to comment freely on Irishdad’s blog, knowing that we understand each other through our shared experiences and circumstances. That it hurt you is unfortunate, and not my intention. I was writing to Irishdad, if that makes sense. On your blog, I would write to you about your experience. xo

    • Angie

      Thank you for your comment. Please don’t feel you have anything to appologise for, because you don’t And, you didn’t cause hurt either – infertility hurts but that is not your doing! My comment was about communication and how some things jar not that there was anything wrong with what you said (sorry if I didn’t make that clear enough). I would never question your intensions or the validity of what you felt and said. Just like you can’t “get” my journey of infertility since Abigail, neither can I “get” what it must be like to have fear for a pregnancy post losing a baby. I cannot fully grasp that because I haven’t experienced it. I cannot get other’s experience of losing their firstborn for the same reason and am blessed with a son with us in our family.

      You are also right about people’s blogs being for them primarily (Irishdad, I really hope I have not offended you by referring to your post from mine – it was not in anyway a criticism more a dialogue about communication based on the similarity and differences in our situations. Perhaps it was too pointed to make the link with the blog and I should have talked in the abstact although it wouldn’t have made as much sense. Perhaps I get too analytical and pointed in my blogs and don’t think about other people clearly enough – anyway love and best wishes to all!)

      Sorry, I digress. Yes, I also get what you are saying about how we appreciate the good we have more now that we cannot take it for granted.

      Anyway take care and all the very best

  7. LivingInTheRainbow – no offence at all.

    It’s good to discuss these matters.

    We are all different in many ways, but we do have common ground. I’m proud to interact with all of the people I’ve encountered through blogging and honoured to receive comments on my little corner of the interweb.

    If this communication through our blogs and conversations contributes towards understanding each other and our lives even a little bit then that’s a good thing.

    • Great

  8. ah… the facebook status updates we could write. We could have such fun.. and probably be committed in the process!

    • Yeah, escorted to Facebook’s front door and invited to leave 🙂

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