Posted by: irishdad | November 9, 2009

Expecting different results

As mentioned in my previous post, the baby is scheduled to be delivered on the 15th of December (at 36 weeks, 6 days). At just ten days after Littlegirl’s anniversary I guess this will be an interesting time.

As the date gets closer and the baby keeps growing and moving (just like the last time) we’re having occasional moments of hope that things will maybe work out. Not to the point that we’ve actually envisaged any particular day or event that features a new baby in our lives, but in the abstract we’ve talked about things like taking a holiday next spring, with two children in tow.

Today we went back to the maternity ward in the hospital for the first time since we left empty-handed last year. We were there because Irishmam needs to get steroid injections to boost the baby’s lung development, as breathing problems can be an issue with early delivery.

It was odd to be back in the hospital, but on the whole not too stressful. We were fortunate to be met by the midwife who had first detected the problem with Littleboy, raising the alert that got him delivered urgently and preventing a very serious situation from developing. She was also present last year around the time that Littlegirl was born. She’s a lovely person and we got great comfort from knowing that she is now aware that we’ll be visiting again next month.

It was amusing to see so many familiar faces at work in the maternity ward…though we’d prefer that they had no reason to remember us. Still, it’s nice to have continuity and to think that we’ll get to meet some of the people who were so great the last time around.

I’m a little freaked out at the thought of the birth and how I’ll feel or react – assuming things go well.

You see, I wasn’t present at Littleboy’s birth because the early stages of that labour degenerated into what we were later told was a ‘critical emergency.’  Irishmam was whipped away at a trot down to the operating theatre, while I was distracted by a hospital porter who got me some tea and biscuits. It all turned out well in the end but the event scared the pants of Irishmam and I and left us with some residual trauma.

Littlegirl’s birth and the days around it were, obviously, a complete nightmare.

So, I’m not sure what to expect this third time. Working on the belief that things surely can’t go to shit again I’m wondering what I’ll do and feel if I’m handed a live baby. Will it bring the true weight of Littlegirl’s death  straight back to me? Will the full-scale of her loss be revealed by the warmth and life of her sibling?

Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is a lovely issue to have and that we are so lucky to be anticipating the birth of another child, however I’m still apprehensive.



  1. I think it is very very understandable (inevitable?) that you are anxious and apprehensive. Whilst a pregnancy should be a wonderful event you now know it can turn bad. Your innocence is gone.

    I so hope and pray everything goes fine for you guys and that you get to enjoy this “rainbow baby”.

  2. I hear you, loud and clear. I can’t imagine being handed a live baby at the end of all of this. I’m 37 weeks today, and officially over this and officially insane.
    Please wish Irishmam well for me. I understand how tough she’s doing it right now. And it helps to read this, as it gives me more of an insight in to my husband’s head. I wish I could get him to blog or read blogs!

  3. No words of advice; just wanted to say that this post is exactly how I’m feeling. So thanks for expressing it so well.

    Obviously, I hope all goes well for you all.

    Lots of thoughts and prayers over the next month (or so) coming your way.

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