Posted by: irishdad | October 7, 2009

A touch of dread

Lying in bed worrying that something bad is going to happen is not much fun.

I know this because I’ve been doing it a fair bit lately.

Quite often, the days are busy and I’m fine,  but by night I start to entertain thoughts of something happening to the baby that is due, or to Littleboy, or any of us. I’ll wonder are we bound for some further nightmare that’s going to come swinging from no-where to knock us to the floor again and take our lives to a whole new level.

Just because we’ve had some shitty luck doesn’t mean we’ve served our time or taken our share…there is no allocated share.

We were having lunch one day on our holidays when my wife held up her hand and said ‘look at my finger’. So I look at her hand and I can’t see anything. Then I do see, it’s twitching away of its own accord. She says it feels wierd and she can’t stop it.

So, what do I think to myself?

I think of how I was reading the opening pages of Michael J. Fox’s “Lucky Man” just a couple of days previously, where he described how his body gave him the news of his impending descent into Parkinson’s by making his little finger tremble and twitch.

I think, ‘Oh for fock sake, she’s got bloody Parkinson’s. Marvellous’. What I say is “you’re just tired, it’ll go away when you get some rest.” And it did go away, but the little spike of fear had happened, and it wasn’t pleasant.

A couple of nights ago I had a horrible dream where Littleboy fell from a height… I woke up after nearly taking my wife’s head off with my jump to catch him.

Then today, Irishmam rang me at lunchtime, sounding distressed. I could hear Littleboy in the background so I just thought maybe he was being difficult and she was worn out. But no, he had an accident and banged his teeth in the playground. It looks like his front three teeth have been rammed up into his gum, with one of them mostly chipped away.

He was in fine form this evening, though his top lip is all swollen. We’ll find out the extent of the damage tomorrow morning when he goes to the dentist.

Irishmam is wracked with guilt* that he might have to spend the next few years with no front teeth, but what was shocking was how upset we both got at the thought of him being hurt. We just have such a low tolerance for anything like this now, and yet we know that it’s only his little teeth and they’ll grow back in a couple of years and things could be a million times worse.

*It was purely an accident, she has nothing to be guilty about. Yes, I have told her this!

I don’t like being robbed of my confidence that things won’t go wrong.
I hope the dentist tells us that the damage to Littleboy’s teeth is minimal and he’ll be fine.
I’d still like to read Michael’s book….maybe when I’ve finished The Black Swan.

Night now.

***** Lunch-time News ******

Littleboy has been to the dentist, who told us that his teeth are going to be fine, they are rammed up into his gums and should come down in time. It’s about the best outcome we could have hoped for. Yay.

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Responses

  1. I get you with the lying in bed thing. Night seems to bring out all my fears, which doesn’t help that my babe in utero seems to be much quieter at night. Oh for fook sake, as you say!

  2. Yes I have experiences similar terrors after Abigail died. Your confidence that bad things won’t happen to you is completely gone and if in doubt it probably will.

    I remember once we were walking down a pedestrian street and a van came from nowhere at high speed. I grabbed my son in absolute terror!

    Another time he was sick with what turned out to be chicken pox but we ended up checking on him every hour in the night – just to check he was still breathing which was irrational as it was only chicken pox.

    I think this is normal if that helps. You live your life ignoring the bad things that can happen as your brain filters them out as things that will not happen to YOU! The death of a baby kinda destroys that confidence. Be easy on yourself is all I can suggest

  3. Yes. Everytime I carry my son down the stairs I have visions of suddenly dropping him or him wriggling out of my arms in some way. Thoughts like that would never have entered my head before Iris died.

    Hope Littleboy’s trip to the dentist brings good news.

  4. My husband and I talk alot about our kind of apocalyptic thinking, like a headache is a possible brain tumor, a trip down the stairs a sign of multiple sclerosis, leg cramps are obviously blood clots about to dislodge into your lungs, and strange blood tests clearly indicates one or both of us is suffering from a largely unknown and untreatable disease…Sometimes coming into blog world and reading the same kinds of fears of other people helps me feel okay, like this is part of the life after you have lost your baby. Once you are on the shitty end of statistics, you just think you reside there. Not sure it helps to know we suffer from the same thinking in this house, but at any rate, hope LB dentist appointment goes well. With love.

  5. Me too.
    In preparation for our vacation, we have given our info to many people in the event that something bad should happen to us while away. I remember a time when the thought would have never crossed our minds.
    Just yesterday, hubby freaked out and called me 5 times in a row because I wasn’t answering the phone. I was shoulder deep in a water change in the reef tank and couldn’t stop what I was doing to answer. By the time I called him back, he was ready to leave work because he thought I was badly hurt or dead.
    Glad to see that we are not the only ones – it makes me feel a little less crazy. I hope everything goes well at the dentist!

  6. Ah ha, so we’re all crazy. Good to know.

    If I don’t blog again for a couple of days….I’m (probably) ok 🙂


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