Posted by: irishdad | September 25, 2009

Nothing to Declare

I had a meeting with the bereavement support guy during the week. He has been great and through our meetings I got a lot of things off my chest that otherwise might not have found expression. I’ve also seen some aspects of what has happened to Littlegirl and the rest of us in a different light, so I’m armed with more tools to think about it all.

I didn’t arrange another meeting with him though. I found this week that I was almost making up answers to his questions because, relatively speaking, I feel ok these days. He said he saw no reason for me to come back – unless I wanted to – and that I can do so at any time. Which is great because you never know when grief is going to flare up again. I suppose it’s like malaria that way. It’s chronic.

Not that things are entirely  rosy in the garden. Last week Irishmam had a scan, the first one of this pregnancy that I didn’t attend. We both get quietly apprehensive before these appointments, so she said she’d text me as soon as she had the scan while she was waiting to see the doctor.

The appointment was for half two, which in my mind meant I should hear from her about three. Did I? No.

I was sitting in a meeting when I noticed it was about a quarter past the hour and I still hadn’t heard anything. So I sent off a quick “What’s the story?”  text and tried to take part in the discussion at hand.

But I wasn’t in the room anymore. I was somewhere between the 4th of December 2008 when I was expecting to hear from Irishmam any minute that everything was fine (it wasn’t) and picturing her in the present being sat down with a cup of sweet tea after being told that once again there was no heartbeat to be found.

My level of distraction got worse and worse until an unknown number rang my phone. This is it. It’s the doctor ringing me to tell me to get over there. fuck fuck fuck.

But it was her. She’d forgotten her phone. All was well.

This pregnancy is like a smooth long-haul flight…we know that flying is generally safe, but we’re the jumpy passengers that freak everyone else out. Every rumble of turbulence makes us thing we’re going down.

Unfortunately our last flight was smooth too but crashed on final approach…so I’m not sure we’ll be comfortable ’till we’re passing red-eyed through customs with nothing to declare.



  1. Those scans – so, so scary. I had loads with my pregnancy with Moe. I think they were supposed to be reassuring… hmm, not sure they acheived that for the most part. When you’ve experienced how quickly a baby can go from kicking to still, nothing helps until, as you say, you’re through that arrivals gate.

  2. I’m so glad that hear that all is well. Scans are frightening and it must have been absolutely mind blowing to try and focus on that work discussion with all that going round in your mind. I’m going back to work next month and I am going to have to try and find my misplaced powers of concentration again.

    I don’t know, as I haven’t had a pregnancy after losing one of my daughters, but I think it is likely that my husband and I will be those jumpy passengers too. Just got to keep reminding ourselves that flying is generally safe.

  3. Oh the smooth long, haul flight analogy is perfect. I too have had many scans with this little guy and have another one in a week (at 32 weeks). All well and good, but as Jess (afteriris) says, we know all too well just how quickly things can take a turn. One minute kicking around, then they’re not. Just. Like. That. But of course you and Irishmam know this, too. Ugh, I hate how many this has become a reality for.
    Glad things are going well so far though. That’s all you can ask for at this point.
    Take care.

  4. I am pleased your scan went okay even if it was worrying for you. I hope and pray everything continues to go smothly and you have a safe “flight and landing”

    I must confess to being a bit jealous. Emotionally speaking I am gagging for a “rainbow baby” but we have been told that will never happen. That said I am really delighted for you

  5. Popped in from the crème de la crème list.

    I liked your image about being the jumpy passenger freaking the others out.
    Though I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, when I finally did get PG, I had very little confidence in a good outcome. It gave a friend of mine the creeps so bad (PG herself at the time) she took her leave of me. It was the final straw for her (and looking back she had put up with much).

    I’m very sorry for your loss. And in the same breath, let me wish you best of luck this time around.

    • Thanks Lut C,

      I need to catch up on my Creme reading!

      Things have turned out very well for us this time around thankfully. I hope they do for you too!

  6. Here from Creme- beautiful beautiful analogy. That captures it so well. I feel the same way, like the anxious passenger on the flight. I know odds are at this point on my side, but because I know what can happen I’m waiting for the oxygen masks to come down. I hope all is well.

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